


Anything He Can Do, Mine Can Do Better

by Ebonyheart



Category: Marvel
Genre: ((the f bomb tho not queer)), Calm tf down Tony your (boy)friend is fine, Cap voice: LANGUAGE, Coming Out, Identity Reveal, Idiots in Love, Language!, M/M, Minor Injuries, Queer as in fuck you, Steve gets literally A Scratch. It is not life threatening or even in need of a bandage., Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark loves musicals (especially Hadestown), Update: still idiots but there is now a prequel. possibly more to be added., accidental outing (character is fine and everyone is happy I promise), geeking out
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-05-30 22:26:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19412650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ebonyheart/pseuds/Ebonyheart
Summary: Two idiots who don’t know each other’s secret identities fly into a decontamination shower together and both try to convince the other that their boyfriend is the best.Spoiler alert: they’re dating.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr made me write this identity reveal fic by putting a rabid plot bunny on my dash.
> 
> Edit: I’m an idjit btw, because I forgot to give credit to downeyrobert, who’s the lovely person that came up with the original idea.

“Wing head, I love you but my boyfriend is the greatest of all time. Don’t feel bad though: if your boyfriend’s taking second place, it’s just because there were only two people who qualified for the competition,” Ironman said, sounding disgustingly smug even through the armor. Steve didn’t know what he looked like, having made peace with that fact years ago, but he imagined it was similar to how Tony looked the other day after getting 69 points in Scrabble on his first move.

Somehow, that just ticked Steve off even more.

“Look here shell head, my boyfriend is God’s gift to mankind, and I won’t hear another word about it! For one, he’s smart enough to run rings around Saturn without breaking a sweat, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg!”

The two of them touched down on the helicarrier as Ironman chuckled, and Steve was just glad that he wouldn’t have to yell over the wind anymore, even if his jackass friend didn’t seem to believe him. Nobody could have it all though, because some people have good taste, and some people think that that much gold isn’t tacky. He already loved the idiot genius who chose the color scheme to excess though, so Steve could probably give a little of the extra to this poor sap.

Well, as soon as he admitted Tony was the best.

“Capsicle, you’re the leading expert on icebergs, but not math. How are you gonna compare a chunk of ice in the ocean to the sun and say they’re the same size?” Ironman set Steve down in the decontamination shower and sat in the chair beside him. “The man I love has the heart of a lion, and the most effective puppy dog eyes I’ve ever seen. You can’t beat perfection pal, but please, feel free to keep trying.”

“Could the walking tin can please go get his eyes checked,” Steve quipped, “And don’t you dare make a joke about turning the suit’s cameras back on.” The static chuckle turned into a full on laugh, but Steve couldn’t really join in on the good humor when his uniform was still essentially glued shut. The slime of the day wasn’t toxic though, just persistent.

Very, very persistent.

Now, Steve knew it was a dumb decision, but Steve was also very frustrated. Why was that? Every opening in his suit was fully sealed, from heat vents to zippers. Steve was, in fact, so frustrated that he managed to justify using the emergency knife in his boot before the water could dissolve the slime or someone could deliver the supped up bandage scissors.

“I’m telling you Ironman, my fella is the best. He just got back from raising money for a ton of sick kids, and- Christ on a fucking bike!”

Again, dumb decision.

“Cap, you have 10 seconds before the cameras come back online unless you respond.” Ironman was already on his feet, repulsors charging and fully prepared to raise hell for his friend. Normally this would be sweet, but it just made Steve want to crawl into a hole when it was over the super soldier equivalent of a paper cut.

“I’m fine shell head, just nicked myself trying to get out of this thing is all.” The other man visibly sagged with relief and sat back down.

“Thank fuck. I’m flying blind here right now, so no need to jump scare me old man.”

A pause.

“Wait a fucking minute, you actually cursed!” The suit’s eyes were still dark, but Steve knew the pilot’s were now full of unholy glee. “You dropped an f-bomb over a fucking scratch, and Clint owes me $20 because he bet you’d physically combust from the pressure before you could even say, “heck,” out loud!”

(If a sigh was heard ‘round the world, it was because Ironman recorded the last of Steve’s hope in his friends’ maturity escaping his body and made it his ringtone.)

“Yes, I am physically capable of cursing, but I have over a decade of life experience where there were nuns around every fucking corner who were happy to dissuade me from doing so in public.”

“Wow, uh, were they the chattering kind, because that sounds a bit more like hell than heaven.”

“List?”

“List.”

For a few minutes, the only sound was Steve (much more carefully now) slicing through one layer of slime and material at a time. The quiet was almost meditative for him, but it was unsurprising that his friend was getting antsy.

“Okay but, going back to earlier, my boyfriend really is the best Cap: he literally rescued a kitten named Mittens yesterday, and I had to beat the owner off with a stick when she offered to be his kitten and climb him like a tree because he was too nice to tell her off.”

“Tony, it wasn’t that ba- Wait, Tony?!?!”

“Steve?!?!”

“You said you were heading to the office,” they both yelled. “I was, and you said-“

Both hot headed idiots pulled off their helmets and glared at each other, fully aware that they’d probably both been telling the same lie by omission. In hindsight, the past three months of their dating history made much more sense now to Steve, but he was still pissed off when Tony’s face twisted and he started laughing.

“Steve- Tesoro, we’ve been-“ the other man could barely get out a word between fits of giggles, and it only got worse every time he looked up. “The argument!”

Steve was still pissed and confused about what had set his boyfriend off when it clicked.

“Tony, we’ve been arguing about each other to each other for two years???”

“Since we realized we liked each other!” The look on Steve’s big ugly mug had Tony sliding down onto the floor, laughing too hard to even make any noise.

“Oh my god, we’re idiots,” Steve said, smiling as he sank down to hug his boyfriend, armor be damned.

“My idiot,” Tony said, metal finger poking Steve in the side.

“My idiot,” Steve said, pressing a smile into the crown of Tony’s head.


	2. Get a Clue (Both of You, P l e a s e)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Good fucking god, how did they miss it???

(2 years before realization)

“Shell head, have you ever…” Cap trailed off, and Tony prepared himself for another awkward question from his best friend.

“Whatever it is, spit it out. I can see the forehead wrinkles through three layers of Kevlar, so it must be eating you.”

“If only,” Cap said, immediately short circuiting when he realized it’d slipped out. “I’ll just-“

“Nope!” Tony partially blocked the door, wanting to inconvenience, not stop his friend from leaving if he really wanted to. “I’m intrigued now, so spill.”

“Ironman, it’s nothing, just a question about the future.”

“Yeah, and does nothing have a name, or can I at at least get her description so I can start running background checks,” Tony asked.

It had been a bit of a reach, but he knew he was right from the look on Cap’s face. His frown would probably permanently crease his mask, but it was telling that Cap hadn’t asked for Tony to move, or even to change the subject.

All jokes aside, they both knew that any serious request would be honored, and that’s why they were friends.

“It’s not-“ Cap cut himself off, taking a deep breath and obviously gearing up his own armor. “It’s not a “her,” shell head.”

Tony blinked, once, twice, and-

“Holy shit, my bad man. Another man? Enby or nonbinary? Wait, what am I-“ Tony scrambled, trying to cover all the possibilities, “Pronouns! Do they use It pronouns then? Oh crap, I haven’t practiced those in ages, I’m-“

“Shell head, breathe!”

“I’m breathing, promise, I’m just also, simultaneously, geeking out, because my best friend and childhood hero is as queer as a three dollar bill, just like me, and I just fucking outed myself with a pun, goddammit-“

A hand clapped itself over Tony’s helmet, right where his mouth would be, and he finally stopped talking. After a moment, Cap lowered his hand, looking some combination of bemused and slightly grumpy.

“I’m gonna have to remember that that actually works next time, but yes, queer as in “screw you,” to anybody who has a problem with that,” Cap smiled, “I’m really glad you’re not on that list.”

Tony’s heart didn’t skip so much as start jumping rope, because That Smile, but also the effort of not making a pass right then and there. He had before, when it was obviously a joke because Cap wasn’t even in his league, never mind team, but now, when he was already seriously interested in Steve and didn’t want to send mixed signals?

Hello anxiety, nobody’d missed you.

“Well, that’s one party I’m glad I didn’t get invited to. But, seriously, pronouns? Oh, and I’m bi as in sexual, and also bitch, because it’s me.”

Tony didn’t have time to panic over the frown on Cap’s face, because it was there and gone as the centennial just shook his head.

“Language, shell head. He’s a man, so he/him, unless I’m not aware of certain things yet.” Cap shrugged. “I don’t care though, he’s still himself if anything changes, and that’s all that matters. We’re not dating though, but I do want to be able to talk about him, if that’s alright with-“

“Cap, you just offered to shoot the shit about the guy you’re crushing on, and I am so game, as long as I can do the same.”

Subtle, Tony was not.

“Well, I don’t know anybody who could resist a quality rust bucket like you, so I’m happy to listen.”

“I’m gonna let that rust thing slide because I’m a nice person, but here’s to hoping your crush likes bingo and geriatrics.”

(“I said the same goddamn, “bi as in bitch,” line earlier that day, when you came out to me the first time as Steve, how did you-“ “Ironman is your friend, so why wouldn’t you have the same-“ “SteVE, THE PUN-“ “I KNOW!”)


	3. So Close (Yet So Fucking Far)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony loves musicals, Steve loves Tony, and yet they both love missing the invisible, tap dancing elephant in the room.

(1 year before realization)

“Hey Tony,” Steve called out, diving into the elevator after his friend, “are you free next Sunday?”

Steve was not nervous, not even the teeny tiniest bit.

“Eh, not sure yet, but what’s up Buttercup? I always have time to have a liaison with my favorite liaison.” Tony winked, and Steve viciously beat down the urge to take that pun from flirty to filthy.

Nervous? No. Distractingly attracted? Yes.

“Do you want to go out to this play I just saw was opening? It’s called Hadestown, and I just realized I accidentally ordered an extra ticket.” Steve did his best to look sheepish, and not as if he’d spent 6 hours weeks ago waiting for the ticket sales to go live so he could grab them from the gremlins who always bought the damn things out.

“Hades- Did you just say Hadestown? Steve,” Tony grabbed his hands and Steve tried to stay cool, “This is practically a proposal, because I’ve been listening to that cast recording for a month now, already been twice even though I had to miss parts of it, and you have no idea how close I was to just paying for the show to be free for everyone else while it was out so that I always had a guaranteed seat when I was free.”

“Ah.”

How articulate, Rogers.

“I guess you’re coming then?”

So, so articulate.

“If someone makes me miss any of this again, they’ll be lucky if I only commit murder,” Tony said with a smile that was as attractive as it was terrifying.

“Well, I’ll make sure everyone turns off their phones beforehand,” Steve promised, “but it’s your job to make rounds after intermission.”

Tony stiffened for a second and was about to say something when the elevator doors opened and Steve realized two things at once:

1\. He was still holding Tony’s hands

2\. Neither of them had pushed the fucking button

The junior accountant took one look at the grown men standing on opposite sides of the elevator in the most suspicious way possible and decided that it was above her pay grade to ask questions, especially when one of them owned the building.

(“TONY I MADE THE SAME GODDAMN JOKE ABOUT A DIFFERENT MUSICAL TO IRONMAN! HOW???” “Babe, I know, I-“ *almost crying over how obvious it was* “I was gonna bring it up, but Sarah, and gay panic-“)


	4. Tomato Tomato (Potato Potato)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The start of the competition.
> 
> The beginning of the most idiotic idiot plot to ever make a somewhat cohesive story.

(Three months and two weeks before realization)

Nine months.

Both of them had been trying to find a way to ask the other one out for nine. fucking. months.

In the time it took to make and bake a baby, they’d been pining away and thinking it was impossible until Rhodey had literally taped them to the couch to talk about their feelings.

(It was a really cheap double sided tape trap, but very effective when he used the entire roll.)

They did wind up actually saying something though and, even after two weeks, Rhodey was still just as smug as when he’d come back and only found two button downs sans buttons.

So many buttons actually, probably hiding in the cushions after Steve-

Tony only resisted the urge to thunk his head into the wall because it would probably go right through the plaster. Damn him for not building the armor to accommodate sexy thoughts but, as Cap jogged up to him, Tony knew it was probably good that he’d snapped out of it before things got awkward.

“Ironman, glad I caught up with you,” Cap said, still grinning ear to ear, “It’s been ages since we’ve been able to chat, and I have fantastic news!”

“If it’s about what you would do for a Klondike bar, please don’t tell me, but I’m all ears otherwise,” Tony joked. Cap put a hand on Tony’s shoulder and tried to look solemn, but the corners of his mouth kept creeping up despite his best efforts. 

“Shell head, I’m officially barred from the Bachelor’s Charity Auction this Valentine’s day, because,” Cap paused for dramatic effect, “I’m off the market!”

“Holy shit,” Tony cried, hugging Cap in his excitement,” “Fucking finally! I’m so happy for you man, and I hope you’re both happy. I don’t know many people who deserve it more than you, anyway.”

“Thanks Ironman, it,” Cap sniffed a little and tried not to tear up, “it means a lot to me. He’s just one of the best things in the world, ya know?”

“Oh yeah, I’m sure. I mean, my boyfriend is the best, so I know you must be excited too,” Tony said, seeing Cap stiffen at the word, “boyfriend.”

“Wait, you finally told your fella that he’s the only guy that can turn you stupid?”

Tony was about to deny it, but the little voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like Rhodey reminded him that this was, in fact, true. He huffed instead, crossing his arms to communicate that he absolutely did not feel the slightest bit embarrassed.

“That statement, while partially true, is a gross exaggeration of the facts.” Tony glared at the jackass that used to be his favorite teammate. “Also, I hope you never go undercover, because putting your hand over your mouth can’t hide how goddamn big it is, especially when you’re trying not to laugh.”

Predictably, Cap lost it, and Tony couldn’t help but join in on the laughs as he kept his friend from sliding to the floor.

“Okay,” Cap said, trying to pull himself together, “Okay, so your boyfriend is pretty swell to put up with that attitude, but mine is definitely better, because he hasn’t called me out for doing such a poor job of hiding this superhero stuff.”

“Pfft, like hell he’s better,” Tony said, mock offended, “For example: my boyfriend is such a good cook that I’m gonna have to tell Stark to let out the suit soon.”

“Well tell your fella to take it easy, this ain’t exactly a regular tailoring gig,” Cap said, barely managing to fake looking stern. “And I’ll have you know that I really do have the better boyfriend, alright? My best guy is sweeter than apple pie,” Cap paused to think, “even though he gets salty.”

“Did you just-“ Tony froze in horror, “Oh my god, Spidey infected you with slang. That’s forbidden knowledge sir; no Benjamin Buttoning your way through linguistics!”

“Ha ha, I’ve never heard that one before.”

“If you make that face, it’ll freeze that way.”

“The first nun who told me that got reminded that how lying was a sin, so try again.”

“Whatever,” Tony said, “But I still know my boyfriend is the best.”

The two of them gently bickered their way down the hall, with knowing their friend was clearly just joking, and yet... Neither man was *quite* willing to let the other have the upper hand, thus giving birth to **The Competition.**

(“Steve. Steve we told each other about our boyfriends within hours of actually asking each other out.” “I know Tony, I know.” “We are so fucking stupid.” “I know Tony, I fucking know.”)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I just call this a crackfic at this point?
> 
> I think I should call it a crackfic at this point, because my idiot sons must be smoking SOMETHING.
> 
> (I may wrap it up here, and I may Be driven to spawn another 6 million chapters or something idk. Y’all demons stoke the goddamn fire, and I just slow burn right along with you as I slap the keyboard like it owes me money.)


End file.
